How to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship

Resentment is a complex and layered emotional experience. It can creep in slowly and quietly but take up a lot of space in a relationship. It’s there in the unspoken frustration over who does more, the lingering hurt from past conflicts, or the exhaustion of feeling unseen or unheard. Left unattended, resentment can gradually chip away at intimacy and connection. If you’ve been feeling stuck and unsure how to deal with resentment in your relationship, it doesn’t have to stay that way. There are ways to work through it. But first:

What is Resentment?

One of my mentors always encouraged me to look up words in the dictionary to make sure I understood what they meant. I still do it to this day. According to Merriam-Webster, resentment is “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” Using this as a working definition then, how do you recognize resentment in the day-to-day?

Well, resentment isn’t always obvious. I often picture anger as a pot of water boiling over. Whether it’s expressed outwardly or not, it’s hot. It builds (or comes on suddenly), spikes, and eventually subsides. Resentment, on the other hand, is usually subtler and less intense. It’s that low, sustained simmer whose steam may not be visible above the pot.

A clear example is when you catch yourself replaying scenes from the past in your mind and feeling just the way you did then. Breaking apart the word resent itself, you get “re” (again) and “sent” (feel or sense). Underlying resentment might also manifest as strong irritation at things your partner does (or doesn’t do). You notice that your reaction feels outsized to the event. You might make passive-aggressive comments or shut down during disagreements.

If you often engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, resentment tends to be there underneath. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call these behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which can predict the end of a relationship (if they go unaddressed). 

You may just feel emotionally withdrawn or disconnected from your partner to the extent that you avoid deeper conversations altogether.

Why Do We Feel Resentment in Relationships?

Too Much Imbalance

Relationships require both partners to show up, emotionally and practically. Though consistently perfect balance isn’t realistic, resentment often follows when one person feels like they shoulder a lot more of the load.

Lack of Acknowledgment or Appreciation

Feeling taken for granted is one of the biggest contributors to resentment. Whether it’s household chores, emotional labor, or relationship maintenance, feeling unseen can build over time. You might handle most of the childcare and household responsibilities, and your partner works long hours. Even though you understand their schedule, you feel unappreciated and resentful.   

Repeated Hurt Without Repair

When conflicts go unresolved, the pain doesn’t disappear. If apologies feel empty or there isn’t any meaningful change, hello resentment. Your partner may have dismissed your feelings in a past argument. You may have convinced yourself it wasn’t a big deal and tried to move on. But deep down, you still feel invalidated and bothered by it.

Unspoken Needs

This one’s a biggie. Sadly, needs that go unexpressed are usually needs that go unmet. Many of us expect our partners to “just know” what we need. We often assume it’s so obvious that it shouldn’t require explanation. We might believe that they would (or would not) do something if they truly loved us. This is really relatable. As a couples therapist, I frequently hear this in some shape or form during sessions. But, the truth is: your partner is simply a different person. Richard Carlson says,

“The fact that you’re married to someone…does not make it more likely that the two of you will see eye to eye. In fact, just the opposite is probable. The more time you spend with someone, the more chances there are for your separate realities to surface. Despite this, many of us tend to expect (or secretly want) those closest to us to conform to the way we think about life.” (p. 115) from Shortcut through Therapy

Ask yourself: “how could I be contributing to this situation? Are there any expectations that need updating or adjusting?”

It almost goes without saying, but it really matters how you express your needs. Think about how you might have tried this in the past. You might have done everything in your power to communicate with honesty, clarity, and sensitivity. Or you may recognize behaviors that got in the way.

How to Let Go of Resentment

“Letting go” sounds straightforward. As if you’re gonna throw something in the trash bin and finally wash your hands of it. But it’s seldom that simple. Letting go of and healing resentment takes intention, communication, and a willingness to work together. Things may have accumulated over a long time, so you might feel urgency about change. This is totally understandable. And, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is often incremental. It takes many opportunities to practice doing something different. So first,

Acknowledge and Name It

You can’t effectively address what you don’t recognize. Take some time to reflect: what exactly am I feeling resentful about? What is the desire or need behind it? Journaling or exploring it in therapy can help you get clear.

Communicate with a Focus on You

When bringing up resentment, it’s easy for it to land as accusation, which predictably activates the other person’s defenses: “You never listen to me” or “You never appreciate everything I do around the house” or “You don’t care about how hard I work”. Instead, lead with your own experience and use “I” statements. To simplify your starting point, I really like this fill-in-the-blank:

“I feel ___ when you ____. I’d love it if ____.”

Make sure it begins with an emotion (rather than “I feel like you…”). Follow the “you” with an observable behavior(s) such as “when you check your phone during dinner.”

Over time, you may have formed a habit of staying quiet about the things that bothered you. But the Gottmans recommend maintaining a “low negativity threshold” in your relationship. Instead of bottling up your feelings or forcing yourself to move on, bring up the little things. You can address them, resolve them, and prevent unspoken frustrations from piling up. This video explains the concept really well.

Listen with Interest

This can be hard to do in the beginning, especially if there’s been an empathy deficit in the relationship for a while. But try your best to remember that, if your partner expresses their own resentment, jumping to defend yourself or immediately countering what they say is a losing strategy.

See what happens when, just for 30 seconds, you press pause on your agenda and deliberately focus on what they’re telling you. They may communicate in a clumsy way or with a lot of blaming “you” statements. You may immediately flare up inside. You might want to retort, “That’s not true!” Instead, pause (or maybe even take a break from the interaction). Take a slow breath. Then ask them what they are feeling or “I didn’t realize you were feeling this way. Can you tell me more?” When you communicate in the way you’d like to be spoken to, your chances increase that they will respond in kind, and you’ll also feel heard.

Make Small, Consistent Changes

Resentment doesn’t disappear with one conversation—it requires ongoing effort. Identify small, realistic steps you both can take to create change. Is it possible to adjust some responsibilities to create more balance? Are you able to schedule weekly check-ins to talk about how things are going between you? Can you begin expressing gratitude for each other’s contributions to the relationship?   

Rebuild Emotional Connection

Healing resentment isn’t just about fixing problems and unpacking negative feelings—it’s also about restoring closeness. Make space for a little fun and connecting outside of serious conversations. Practice small gestures of affection, like holding hands, hugs, or giving compliments. Plan some activities you both enjoy.

Final Thoughts

Sometimes, resentment runs deep because it’s been in the making for a long time. No matter how hard you try, you might feel stuck in the same patterns, not getting any traction. This is where couples therapy may help and give you deeper, guided support. Therapy is a safe space to process resentment, understand its roots, and work toward repair.

Resentment doesn’t mean your relationship is broken and all hope is lost—but it does mean something needs attention. The fact that you’re here, reading this, already shows that you care about making things better. With the right support, tools, and practice, healing is within reach.   

If you and your partner are having a hard time with resentment in your relationship, couples therapy might be the next right step. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and learn more.

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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.

She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.

How to Comfort Someone After a Breakup

Breakups can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking someone’s very foundation. It hurts on so many levels (as science attests). You might be seeing this with a loved one whose relationship just ended. They’re torn up inside, and you sincerely want to be there for them.

The fact that you’re reading this right now is a sign of your care for this person, and they’re lucky to have you in their life. As you think about them, you probably worry about not knowing what to say or do to ease their pain. In this post, I’ll address this common concern about how to comfort someone after a breakup and share some important things to keep in mind.

Though this word might not come up in your conversations, they are grieving. The experience of grief is not just reserved for death—it is simply the natural response to loss. There’s a great deal of silence around the topic of grief in American culture. So, it’s no wonder that many of us make it to adulthood without ever learning how to treat a grieving person in a way that actually helps. Or how to treat ourselves when confronting loss. I talk about this with my clients all the time.

If your family member or friend is navigating heartbreak, you’ll likely feel the urge at some point to make them feel better or problem-solve in response to what they’re expressing. But

supporting someone well isn’t about having the perfect advice or “doing” the right thing—it’s about loving presence.

What to say to someone after a breakup

Your loved one has lost not only a relationship, but shared dreams and the imagined future that will no longer come to be. They might be feeling sadness, anger, hopelessness, regret, confusion, or even relief. These emotions can be painfully raw, hard to witness, and may shift rapidly.

When someone you care about is suffering, it’s instinctive to want to make it stop. You might start to feel helpless or worry you’re not doing enough. And this is a moment that can easily evoke anxiety and prompt platitudes like:

“I know you’ll find someone better.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“You have so much love in your life.”

“Every ending is a new beginning.”

Unfortunately, these statements often have the unintended effect of minimizing the person’s current experience and end up shutting down the conversation. Rather than emphasizing the silver lining, the best gift you can give is: your attention, listening (without judgment, interruption, or redirecting the conversation), and empathically acknowledging their pain. This could sound like:

“I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you.”

“It’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling.”

“That makes so much sense.”

When someone gets misty-eyed, a common reflex is to utter “Oh, don’t cry!” with a furrowed brow and then run to get them a tissue. If you notice that impulse, see if you can hold on it and just allow them to cry without interference. Emotional release through their tears is an important part of the process.

This is a moment when you might gently rub their back, put a hand on their shoulder, or offer a hug. In doing so, you communicate that it’s safe for them to fall apart with you—a tremendous relief when they have to “keep it together” every day at work, in social interactions, in public, etc.

Being with them and their feelings—without trying to change them—is truly medicinal.

I highly recommend checking out this video that beautifully illustrates the idea. I love Megan Devine’s work and often recommend her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK to my clients.

How to Help Someone Through a Breakup

Consistency can be very anchoring amid emotional distress and change. So consider how you might create meaningful ways to check in. You could plan a weekly coffee date, walk, or a phone call every Sunday evening.

You might offer practical help, like picking up groceries, walking their dog, or handling other small tasks that might feel overwhelming to them right now. Spontaneously drop off their favorite snack or send them a text: “I’m thinking about you ❤️.” These gestures also help to break isolation and loneliness around this time.

I personally love the idea of deciding together on an emoji, such as 🥀 , that serves as code for “I’m having a hard day” and they’d appreciate some contact. These small systems can make reaching out feel easier. They remove the effort of needing to find the “right words” and having to explain themselves every time they’re struggling.

If you’re feeling unsure, you can ask them directly: “How can I support you right now?” or “In the past, when you felt this low, what was helpful to you?” They might not have an answer, and that’s okay. Your willingness to show up and stay focused on what they want is already enough.

Respect Their Process

Grief does not follow a linear path or distinct, ordered stages. Some days, your loved one might seem like they’re doing better—laughing, making plans, and looking hopeful. The next day, they might feel like they’ve taken ten steps backward. This back-and-forth is normal, but difficult to watch.

Patience is key here. Remember that their recovery timeline is their own. There’s no universal schedule for “getting over it.” Encouraging them to “get back out there” only adds pressure and can make them feel like they’re failing at healing. Trust that they’ll let you know when they’re ready to date again. Avoid talking negatively about their ex or giving advice (e.g. “you just gotta stay positive” or “you should…”).

You might feel tempted to suggest “taking their mind off it” by going to a bar or upbeat activities. But, as Mel Robbins recommends, let them lead the way and choose how you spend time. Of course, you can invite them to a movie, exercise class, or other outing. They might be interested and have the appetite for it, but let it be ok if they’re not up to it yet.

Acknowledge Their Strengths

Many people at one point or another start to question themselves during a breakup—their worth, their decisions, their future. Self-doubt is to be expected. One of the best things you can do is just normalize it and empathize. And occasionally, we can all use a little reminder of our strength and resilience when we can’t see it ourselves.

“You have such a big heart.”

“I love the conversations we have together.”

“I think it’s brave to feel this instead of pushing it away.”

What do you admire or appreciate about this person? Tell them.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Showing up actively for someone during a breakup can be emotionally challenging sometimes. It’s important to recognize your limits and honor your own needs, too. Check in with yourself: Are you feeling overwhelmed or depleted? It’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m here for you, and I need some time to recharge today.” Do the things that fill up your cup and help you feel restored. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your health and being a sturdy source of support for the people you love.

Breakups often bring up deeper wounds like past relational trauma or unresolved attachment patterns that are best explored with a professional. If it feels appropriate, you might ask if they’ve thought about including therapy in their support system. If they’re open to it but feel overwhelmed by the prospect of searching for someone, you can offer to help them find options. Therapy offers a dedicated space for processing loss, exploring patterns, and rebuilding self-trust. It’s not about “fixing” but rather, giving them the tools and support they need to heal in their own time.

If you notice signs of prolonged depression, significant isolation, or concerning behavior (e.g., substance misuse or self-harm), encourage professional help sooner rather than later. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is guide someone toward more comprehensive care.

Final Thoughts

The experience of relationship loss is deeply personal, yet universally painful. And knowing how to comfort someone after a breakup isn’t always clear. With the ideas in this post, I hope you’re feeling a bit better equipped in approaching your loved one during this sensitive time. Just remember: your role isn’t to fix, rescue, or make them “feel better.” Your role is to simply walk alongside them—to offer presence, make room for their feelings, and remind them they’re not alone.   

If someone you care about is navigating the aftermath of a breakup and needing further support, get in touch today and find out how therapy can help.

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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.

She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.

5 Anxiety Insights from the Inside Out 2 Emotions

5 Anxiety Insights from the Inside Out 2 Emotions

The Inside Out 2 emotions are sneaky good at holding up a mirror and helping us learn about ourselves.

Inside Out 2 was the highest grossing film of 2024. Since I saw it, I’ve been thinking about how entertaining and moving it was to me, but also how insightful it is (especially about anxiety). Here are the ideas I found most important in the film and how they can help us.

Spoiler alert! If you haven’t seen Inside Out 2, bookmark this post and read after viewing.

1) Fear and anxiety are different.

As explained in the movie, fear is responsible for all the scary stuff Riley can see, and anxiety is responsible for all the scary stuff Riley can’t see. Anxiety plans for the future.

Fear and anxiety are used interchangeably in conversation. Therapists, including me, often do it too. Perhaps because the experience of fear and anxiety can feel the same in our bodies. When we ask ourselves “what if…” and visualize possible negative futures, there is perceived danger in our systems, and our bodies react accordingly. Sidenote—this is the same reason visualization exercises can work so well for soothing anxiety. When we take time to picture and immerse ourselves in a detailed nature scene for example, it creates a sense of perceived safety, and we start to feel more relaxed physiologically.

So why do I bring this up? Differentiating between fear and anxiety helps us determine what’s most needed in response. Fear arises in reaction to an imminent threat, something that is happening right now. You spot a venomous snake on a trail. A pedestrian suddenly walks in front of your car. Your brain registers the sensory data and readies you to adjust in order to avoid danger. You back away from the snake. You slam on the brakes in your car. Of course, these are not choices you’re making but automatic and lighting-quick reflexes.

Fear usually prompts us to take an action to keep us safe (or to freeze). But this is not always the case with anxiety, despite the urge we might feel toward action. There are many times where the most appropriate response involves caring for the feeling of anxiety and our activated nervous systems, then assessing if there’s anything we actually need to do.

The film provides a great walk-through of this idea. At the end, Riley’s becomes anxious while waiting for the results of the team try-outs, and Anxiety starts running through dreaded scenarios. Joy gently interrupts and thanks her for her input. She asks “is that happening right now?” This question reminds Anxiety she’s lost in future-predictions and that Riley is actually safe in the moment. Anxiety is invited to think about what Riley has control over and what she doesn’t. They see that she can’t do anything now about the outcome of the tryouts. However, she can channel her energy and help Riley study for a test the next day. Before jumping into study mode, Anxiety takes a break in the form of sitting in a massage chair and drinking a cup of tea.

2) Our underlying beliefs can fuel anxiety.

Anxiety can be majorly influenced by beliefs we form from past experiences: about ourselves, about others, or the way the world works. Many of them are not even in our conscious awareness until we start giving voice to anxious feelings with someone else. Say, for instance, that your parent frequently became impatient or angry when you were learning something new. Unconsciously, a belief might crystallize inside about being “stupid,” incompetent, or unworthy when you make a mistake or something like “I’ll only be loved if I get things right.”

For Riley, she’s so excited and hopeful about playing on her school’s ice hockey team. When she reads the coach’s notes about her level of readiness for the team, and it doesn’t match her own, she’s crushed. Without anyone around to witness it or help her process that information, she concludes “I’m not good enough.” It echoes through her mind as she races around the rink, trying to prove her skill and escape the shame from that painful belief.

Beliefs may also form about what we think has to happen so we can be safe in the future. When we look closer, we often find they too have connections to the past (though the movie doesn’t really explore this point). Earlier in the story, Riley learns that her two best friends are going to a different high school than she is. She starts to feel the sadness of this loss, and Anxiety comes in shortly after. Riley sees the community and camaraderie of the girls on the Fire Hawks team and thinks to herself: “If I’m a Fire Hawk, I won’t be alone.”

From there, we hear various beliefs about what Anxiety believes it will take to become a Fire Hawk: she needs to detach herself from her old friends. She needs the team captain to like her. She needs to make 3 goals in the scrimmage to impress the coach. Anxiety channels a lot of energy into working toward these outcomes. She wants to prevent the painful prospect of Riley going through high school friendless and lonely. The way this unfolds inside of Riley mirrors a real process inside many of us. We can find ourselves locating the source of our safety on the outside — fixating on achieving specific results and believing they are the only way we’ll be okay.

When you notice you’re feeling anxious and spinning out, a good question to ask is: what am I believing right now?

3) “Don’t worry” doesn’t work.

After the core emotions get bottled up and catapulted to the back of the mind, they frantically look to Joy for what to do next. We then hear Joy’s fool-proof plan: “when we get back up there, I’ll say: don’t worry so much, Anxiety! And she’ll say, thanks Joy! I never thought of that.” I love how the film, in a comic and non-shaming way, highlights how common this is as an inner strategy to cope with anxiety.

Many times, we’re simply repeating the kind of response we’ve heard and subtly internalized from others. In these interactions, “don’t worry” ends up relieving the listener but doesn’t really help the person experiencing anxiety. It often leaves them feeling bad for having the emotion in the first place. If only it were as simple as just telling ourselves or others not to worry.

What if instead we were offered understanding or asked “what do you need?” The good new is we can actually do this internally with the part of ourselves that’s feeling so anxious.

4) Anxiety has a protective purpose.

Many of us, at times, experience anxiety as an obstacle or an annoyance. We might ignore it, try to mute it, or keep pushing through it by staying busy. In other words, we can treat it as an enemy inside without realizing it. The film beautifully shows that, despite the swirl of discomfort it kicks up, anxiety has a positive intent. From an evolutionary perspective, it’s actually beneficial that we experience anxiety (to try and avoid what we anticipate will bring us harm).

The trouble is, our anxiety isn’t always right in its predictions. In the “projections” scene, Anxiety works furiously to ensure Riley has thought of every possible worst case scenario. She urges on the Imagination Land team “we need to be prepared!” (As a side note, one of my favorite moments in the movie happens when Joy gets the other emotions to throw in possible positive outcomes, and Fear enthusiastically shouts “Riley wears kneepads!!”)

In the film’s climax, Anxiety works herself into a frenzy around the console, in which Joy intervenes. Anxiety falls to the floor exhausted, dejected, and tearful. She says “I’m sorry. I was just trying to protect her.”

I got very misty-eyed at this part. And I think it’s because recognizing the protective intention of anxiety leads you right into the heart of compassion toward it. Maya Phillips writes about being surprised by the empathy she felt toward her own anxiety in her NYTimes review.

I’ve seen this powerful moment happen in therapy sessions, and I cannot overstate the healing effects of this shift in attitude. When we make room for, get to know, and understand anxiety at a deeper level, there is a tremendous softening toward it. The possibility of a new and better relationship with it suddenly opens up.

5) None of us are defined by our emotions.

In the last struggle against Anxiety, Joy confronts her saying “you don’t get to choose who Riley is!” Anxiety concedes she’s right—“none of us do.” Riley is not an anxious person or a cheerful person. Anxiety and joy are not fixed identities. They are just the emotions she experiences. And the same is true of us.

We all have emotional polarities inside of us: happy and sad, anxious and confident, excited and bored, on and on. Our feelings come and go. This is not to say they don’t matter. I believe they absolutely do. It’s more to highlight that there’s a You who experiences all these feelings and has the ability to relate to your emotions in a conscious way. It takes mindful attention and practice, but it’s completely possible. It makes life so much more manageable, enjoyable, and rich. And it’s oftentimes the very crux of the work in therapy.

How would it change things to see anxiety as trying to help you? What might it be like to have a relationship with your anxiety?

If you’re ready to get support with anxiety, schedule a free consultation today.

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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.

She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.