How to Comfort Someone After a Breakup

Breakups can feel like an emotional earthquake, shaking someone’s very foundation. It hurts on so many levels (as science attests). You might be seeing this with a loved one whose relationship just ended. They’re torn up inside, and you sincerely want to be there for them.

The fact that you’re reading this right now is a sign of your care for this person, and they’re lucky to have you in their life. As you think about them, you probably worry about not knowing what to say or do to ease their pain. In this post, I’ll address this common concern about how to comfort someone after a breakup and share some important things to keep in mind.

Though this word might not come up in your conversations, they are grieving. The experience of grief is not just reserved for death—it is simply the natural response to loss. There’s a great deal of silence around the topic of grief in American culture. So, it’s no wonder that many of us make it to adulthood without ever learning how to treat a grieving person in a way that actually helps. Or how to treat ourselves when confronting loss. I talk about this with my clients all the time.

If your family member or friend is navigating heartbreak, you’ll likely feel the urge at some point to make them feel better or problem-solve in response to what they’re expressing. But

supporting someone well isn’t about having the perfect advice or “doing” the right thing—it’s about loving presence.

What to say to someone after a breakup

Your loved one has lost not only a relationship, but shared dreams and the imagined future that will no longer come to be. They might be feeling sadness, anger, hopelessness, regret, confusion, or even relief. These emotions can be painfully raw, hard to witness, and may shift rapidly.

When someone you care about is suffering, it’s instinctive to want to make it stop. You might start to feel helpless or worry you’re not doing enough. And this is a moment that can easily evoke anxiety and prompt platitudes like:

“I know you’ll find someone better.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“You have so much love in your life.”

“Every ending is a new beginning.”

Unfortunately, these statements often have the unintended effect of minimizing the person’s current experience and end up shutting down the conversation. Rather than emphasizing the silver lining, the best gift you can give is: your attention, listening (without judgment, interruption, or redirecting the conversation), and empathically acknowledging their pain. This could sound like:

“I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you.”

“It’s okay to feel exactly what you’re feeling.”

“That makes so much sense.”

When someone gets misty-eyed, a common reflex is to utter “Oh, don’t cry!” with a furrowed brow and then run to get them a tissue. If you notice that impulse, see if you can hold on it and just allow them to cry without interference. Emotional release through their tears is an important part of the process.

This is a moment when you might gently rub their back, put a hand on their shoulder, or offer a hug. In doing so, you communicate that it’s safe for them to fall apart with you—a tremendous relief when they have to “keep it together” every day at work, in social interactions, in public, etc.

Being with them and their feelings—without trying to change them—is truly medicinal.

I highly recommend checking out this video that beautifully illustrates the idea. I love Megan Devine’s work and often recommend her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK to my clients.

How to Help Someone Through a Breakup

Consistency can be very anchoring amid emotional distress and change. So consider how you might create meaningful ways to check in. You could plan a weekly coffee date, walk, or a phone call every Sunday evening.

You might offer practical help, like picking up groceries, walking their dog, or handling other small tasks that might feel overwhelming to them right now. Spontaneously drop off their favorite snack or send them a text: “I’m thinking about you ❤️.” These gestures also help to break isolation and loneliness around this time.

I personally love the idea of deciding together on an emoji, such as 🥀 , that serves as code for “I’m having a hard day” and they’d appreciate some contact. These small systems can make reaching out feel easier. They remove the effort of needing to find the “right words” and having to explain themselves every time they’re struggling.

If you’re feeling unsure, you can ask them directly: “How can I support you right now?” or “In the past, when you felt this low, what was helpful to you?” They might not have an answer, and that’s okay. Your willingness to show up and stay focused on what they want is already enough.

Respect Their Process

Grief does not follow a linear path or distinct, ordered stages. Some days, your loved one might seem like they’re doing better—laughing, making plans, and looking hopeful. The next day, they might feel like they’ve taken ten steps backward. This back-and-forth is normal, but difficult to watch.

Patience is key here. Remember that their recovery timeline is their own. There’s no universal schedule for “getting over it.” Encouraging them to “get back out there” only adds pressure and can make them feel like they’re failing at healing. Trust that they’ll let you know when they’re ready to date again. Avoid talking negatively about their ex or giving advice (e.g. “you just gotta stay positive” or “you should…”).

You might feel tempted to suggest “taking their mind off it” by going to a bar or upbeat activities. But, as Mel Robbins recommends, let them lead the way and choose how you spend time. Of course, you can invite them to a movie, exercise class, or other outing. They might be interested and have the appetite for it, but let it be ok if they’re not up to it yet.

Acknowledge Their Strengths

Many people at one point or another start to question themselves during a breakup—their worth, their decisions, their future. Self-doubt is to be expected. One of the best things you can do is just normalize it and empathize. And occasionally, we can all use a little reminder of our strength and resilience when we can’t see it ourselves.

“You have such a big heart.”

“I love the conversations we have together.”

“I think it’s brave to feel this instead of pushing it away.”

What do you admire or appreciate about this person? Tell them.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Showing up actively for someone during a breakup can be emotionally challenging sometimes. It’s important to recognize your limits and honor your own needs, too. Check in with yourself: Are you feeling overwhelmed or depleted? It’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m here for you, and I need some time to recharge today.” Do the things that fill up your cup and help you feel restored. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your health and being a sturdy source of support for the people you love.

Breakups often bring up deeper wounds like past relational trauma or unresolved attachment patterns that are best explored with a professional. If it feels appropriate, you might ask if they’ve thought about including therapy in their support system. If they’re open to it but feel overwhelmed by the prospect of searching for someone, you can offer to help them find options. Therapy offers a dedicated space for processing loss, exploring patterns, and rebuilding self-trust. It’s not about “fixing” but rather, giving them the tools and support they need to heal in their own time.

If you notice signs of prolonged depression, significant isolation, or concerning behavior (e.g., substance misuse or self-harm), encourage professional help sooner rather than later. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is guide someone toward more comprehensive care.

Final Thoughts

The experience of relationship loss is deeply personal, yet universally painful. And knowing how to comfort someone after a breakup isn’t always clear. With the ideas in this post, I hope you’re feeling a bit better equipped in approaching your loved one during this sensitive time. Just remember: your role isn’t to fix, rescue, or make them “feel better.” Your role is to simply walk alongside them—to offer presence, make room for their feelings, and remind them they’re not alone.   

If someone you care about is navigating the aftermath of a breakup and needing further support, get in touch today and find out how therapy can help.

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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.

She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.