How to Deal with Resentment in a Relationship

Resentment is a complex and layered emotional experience. It can creep in slowly and quietly but take up a lot of space in a relationship. It’s there in the unspoken frustration over who does more, the lingering hurt from past conflicts, or the exhaustion of feeling unseen or unheard. Left unattended, resentment can gradually chip away at intimacy and connection. If you’ve been feeling stuck and unsure how to deal with resentment in your relationship, it doesn’t have to stay that way. There are ways to work through it. But first:

What is Resentment?

One of my mentors always encouraged me to look up words in the dictionary to make sure I understood what they meant. I still do it to this day. According to Merriam-Webster, resentment is “a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.” Using this as a working definition then, how do you recognize resentment in the day-to-day?

Well, resentment isn’t always obvious. I often picture anger as a pot of water boiling over. Whether it’s expressed outwardly or not, it’s hot. It builds (or comes on suddenly), spikes, and eventually subsides. Resentment, on the other hand, is usually subtler and less intense. It’s that low, sustained simmer whose steam may not be visible above the pot.

A clear example is when you catch yourself replaying scenes from the past in your mind and feeling just the way you did then. Breaking apart the word resent itself, you get “re” (again) and “sent” (feel or sense). Underlying resentment might also manifest as strong irritation at things your partner does (or doesn’t do). You notice that your reaction feels outsized to the event. You might make passive-aggressive comments or shut down during disagreements.

If you often engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling, resentment tends to be there underneath. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman call these behaviors the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which can predict the end of a relationship (if they go unaddressed). 

You may just feel emotionally withdrawn or disconnected from your partner to the extent that you avoid deeper conversations altogether.

Why Do We Feel Resentment in Relationships?

Too Much Imbalance

Relationships require both partners to show up, emotionally and practically. Though consistently perfect balance isn’t realistic, resentment often follows when one person feels like they shoulder a lot more of the load.

Lack of Acknowledgment or Appreciation

Feeling taken for granted is one of the biggest contributors to resentment. Whether it’s household chores, emotional labor, or relationship maintenance, feeling unseen can build over time. You might handle most of the childcare and household responsibilities, and your partner works long hours. Even though you understand their schedule, you feel unappreciated and resentful.   

Repeated Hurt Without Repair

When conflicts go unresolved, the pain doesn’t disappear. If apologies feel empty or there isn’t any meaningful change, hello resentment. Your partner may have dismissed your feelings in a past argument. You may have convinced yourself it wasn’t a big deal and tried to move on. But deep down, you still feel invalidated and bothered by it.

Unspoken Needs

This one’s a biggie. Sadly, needs that go unexpressed are usually needs that go unmet. Many of us expect our partners to “just know” what we need. We often assume it’s so obvious that it shouldn’t require explanation. We might believe that they would (or would not) do something if they truly loved us. This is really relatable. As a couples therapist, I frequently hear this in some shape or form during sessions. But, the truth is: your partner is simply a different person. Richard Carlson says,

“The fact that you’re married to someone…does not make it more likely that the two of you will see eye to eye. In fact, just the opposite is probable. The more time you spend with someone, the more chances there are for your separate realities to surface. Despite this, many of us tend to expect (or secretly want) those closest to us to conform to the way we think about life.” (p. 115) from Shortcut through Therapy

Ask yourself: “how could I be contributing to this situation? Are there any expectations that need updating or adjusting?”

It almost goes without saying, but it really matters how you express your needs. Think about how you might have tried this in the past. You might have done everything in your power to communicate with honesty, clarity, and sensitivity. Or you may recognize behaviors that got in the way.

How to Let Go of Resentment

“Letting go” sounds straightforward. As if you’re gonna throw something in the trash bin and finally wash your hands of it. But it’s seldom that simple. Letting go of and healing resentment takes intention, communication, and a willingness to work together. Things may have accumulated over a long time, so you might feel urgency about change. This is totally understandable. And, it’s important to keep in mind that progress is often incremental. It takes many opportunities to practice doing something different. So first,

Acknowledge and Name It

You can’t effectively address what you don’t recognize. Take some time to reflect: what exactly am I feeling resentful about? What is the desire or need behind it? Journaling or exploring it in therapy can help you get clear.

Communicate with a Focus on You

When bringing up resentment, it’s easy for it to land as accusation, which predictably activates the other person’s defenses: “You never listen to me” or “You never appreciate everything I do around the house” or “You don’t care about how hard I work”. Instead, lead with your own experience and use “I” statements. To simplify your starting point, I really like this fill-in-the-blank:

“I feel ___ when you ____. I’d love it if ____.”

Make sure it begins with an emotion (rather than “I feel like you…”). Follow the “you” with an observable behavior(s) such as “when you check your phone during dinner.”

Over time, you may have formed a habit of staying quiet about the things that bothered you. But the Gottmans recommend maintaining a “low negativity threshold” in your relationship. Instead of bottling up your feelings or forcing yourself to move on, bring up the little things. You can address them, resolve them, and prevent unspoken frustrations from piling up. This video explains the concept really well.

Listen with Interest

This can be hard to do in the beginning, especially if there’s been an empathy deficit in the relationship for a while. But try your best to remember that, if your partner expresses their own resentment, jumping to defend yourself or immediately countering what they say is a losing strategy.

See what happens when, just for 30 seconds, you press pause on your agenda and deliberately focus on what they’re telling you. They may communicate in a clumsy way or with a lot of blaming “you” statements. You may immediately flare up inside. You might want to retort, “That’s not true!” Instead, pause (or maybe even take a break from the interaction). Take a slow breath. Then ask them what they are feeling or “I didn’t realize you were feeling this way. Can you tell me more?” When you communicate in the way you’d like to be spoken to, your chances increase that they will respond in kind, and you’ll also feel heard.

Make Small, Consistent Changes

Resentment doesn’t disappear with one conversation—it requires ongoing effort. Identify small, realistic steps you both can take to create change. Is it possible to adjust some responsibilities to create more balance? Are you able to schedule weekly check-ins to talk about how things are going between you? Can you begin expressing gratitude for each other’s contributions to the relationship?   

Rebuild Emotional Connection

Healing resentment isn’t just about fixing problems and unpacking negative feelings—it’s also about restoring closeness. Make space for a little fun and connecting outside of serious conversations. Practice small gestures of affection, like holding hands, hugs, or giving compliments. Plan some activities you both enjoy.

Final Thoughts

Sometimes, resentment runs deep because it’s been in the making for a long time. No matter how hard you try, you might feel stuck in the same patterns, not getting any traction. This is where couples therapy may help and give you deeper, guided support. Therapy is a safe space to process resentment, understand its roots, and work toward repair.

Resentment doesn’t mean your relationship is broken and all hope is lost—but it does mean something needs attention. The fact that you’re here, reading this, already shows that you care about making things better. With the right support, tools, and practice, healing is within reach.   

If you and your partner are having a hard time with resentment in your relationship, couples therapy might be the next right step. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and learn more.

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Elizabeth Dausch is an integrative therapist in Oakland, CA offering skilled support with breakups, dating, anxiety, and relationship issues. Her approach incorporates Internal Family Systems, somatic, and mindfulness practices, and she tailors therapy to each client's unique needs. Learn more about Elizabeth.

She can also be reached at (510) 683-5858 or elizabeth.dausch@mindfulcenter.org.